Duz tha speak Yarkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he
decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone
will be ready a few days after the funeral.True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:"There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Portugal – The Algarve – Cabanas - The weather is hot and sunny nearly all the time with just the odd cloudy spell thrown in to cool you down. The flat is situated just outside Cabanas and is one of hundreds on a large complex. The complex appears to be one of the construction projects that were coming to fruition when the recession hit as probably 66% remain unsold. As June is ‘out of season’ the occupiers of most of the other 33% are nowhere to be seen. The result is what appears to be a set for ‘life after people.’ This has its advantages but at times it is a little eerie. So in order have been to

Sat - Cabanas – Small pretty harbour on a bay so to get to the beach you need to take a ‘water taxi’ got bitten by mosquitoes tonight. Typical they head straight to me. Think they are going to be itchy.

Sun – Pool day. Wow other people and from Oldham too. Nice couple with a baby on the way very soon and staying in his father’s apartment. Got the impression despite it all that they wished they had not bought the apartment now as the prices had since fallen by 25% but it's a lovely spot and you cant put a price on all those holidays. Had to go to the chemist for some cream for the bites which have come up swollen and red.

Mon Tavira – Large town reached by train (10min) with a beach again only reachable by a water taxi. I bought a mobile internet stick for 29.99 which i thought had 10 days use on but it turns out there was only 1 hour. So need to go back at some point. Well Vodafone need I say any more.

Tue - Monte Gordo – A large town with high rise hotels which is unusual here. Planning laws must restrict the height of new developments to preserve the atmosphere of the place. This does however have a promenade and a beach.
Wed - Seville – Obviously in Andalucía, Spain. Took a day trip on a coach (2hrs) on Wednesday. Nice city with a huge gothic cathedral and lots of winding streets. Very hot place though and I was glad to get back on the coach again after a few hours. What was amazing was driving past acres of orange groves laid out in long straight lines and full of ripe Seville bitter oranges.
Walked into Cabanas after the coach dropped us off and saw 2 snakes in the stream by the path. Managed to get a photo of 1 of them.

Thur - back to Monte Gordo for some sunbathing. Unfortunately it didn’t work out as the beach was freezing. Then to Tavira for a 10 euro top up on the internet stick. Money has all but run out and there are still 3 days left to go so we are going to need some cheap entertainment till we leave.

Fri – Up early and at last the internet is working again. Although to be honest most of the time you look at crap to pass the time. Wonder how the dog is getting along at my brothers. Well will know Monday. I hope he is behaving himself and not being too much of a nuisance...he’s very boisterous. Spent the day on the beach and had pasta with a vegetable tomato sauce for dinner which Jennifer made...very nice.

Sat – Spent the day on Cabanas beach again – very hot. Really too hot for me even tough I brown off quite easily. I think my ideal temperature is about 22-24 degrees. Got a Frango (chicken) for dinner and had a full roast dinner as best we could – especially given the limited cooking facilities.

Sun – Last day today...nice here but I want to be home now among all the familiar things and see little dog. Not looking forward to work again though. I haven’t missed that one little bit. Think we are going to the local town of Tavira for lunch and then home to pack. It’s a hot day and a mosquito manages to bite my ear and make it swell up.

Mon – Ah and so back into Britain and the cool, cloudy weather. The first thing I notice is all the posters in the airport that tell me what I cannot do here. That sounds about right and head for home past the sniffer dog at customs. But I’m brown as a walnut, just as wrinkled and itchy...must have been a good holiday!

Pictures to follow

Dirt cant hurt me

Grapes too far north

Mutant Horseradish

Perhaps there is a part of HE 1523-0901 in the stardust that makes up us all. We are after all just a collection of molecules of encapsulated time that presses on through the relativity that is the cosmos. We are each for a better word soldiers of time living and dying for mother universe. It is probably a war without end, so there will be no armistice, no surrender, and no dawn after a bloody night. The peace is always to be lost and as conflict rises we sail through our second in time knowing we make up the spatial day..

After the Big Bang, the Universe consisted of mostly hydrogen, some helium and a little lithium, so the first stars to form would have contained only these elements. It was the first generation of stars that converted these lighter elements into heavier ones like carbon, phosphorous, iron and lead - collectively known to astronomers as metals. When those stars exploded they "polluted" the cosmos with these heavier elements, which themselves went into a later generation of stars - like our Sun. The existence of stars with zero or very low metal content has been predicted for decades, but none has ever been found, leading some to suspect they never existed - until the discovery of HE0107-5240. The star was spotted in the outer reaches of our galaxy by Norbert Christlieb, at the University of Hamburg in Germany, and colleagues. It lies in the direction of the southern constellation Phoenix, at a distance of about 36,000 light-years. The star has just 1/200,000th of the metal content of our Sun. Recent cosmological studies show that the Big Bang occurred 13.7 billion years ago. The metal-poor star HE 1523 formed in our Milky Way galaxy soon afterward (cosmologically speaking: 13.2 billion years ago)
How old are the oldest stars" astronomers recently measured the age of a star located in our Galaxy. The star, a real fossil, is found to be 13.2 billion years old, not very far from the 13.7 billion years age of the Universe. The star, HE 1523-0901, was clearly born at the dawn of time.

Amazing photos from http://www.eso.org/public/

If you come across what you think might be junk then before discarding it – just check. These are the Holy Grail of loudspeakers The worlds first 15 inch Dual Concentric the Tannoy Black circa 1947. If it works ok then it will still sound as good as any speaker sold today - no matter what else they may tell you. I'd love to hear it but needs to be soon as my hearing is fading out fast. Ain't old age and a lifetime in heavy industry great?

May has been a complete washout but while I was walking through the cemetery I spotted a lace wing hovering in a shaft of sunlight. Small and pale green the light gave its fluttering shape a halo and to all who might see it could have been a mythical sprite abroad on a summer’s eve. No wonder stories of fairies began so long ago. When I looked on the web there were some photos but then I saw this one and thought how amazing and creative some people are.

The softest noise falls from the tallest tree
A strand of spiders silk let adrift on the sea
Like a murmur of joy it touches the ground
A testament of tranquillity, the smallest sound
Start each new day with promise of birdsong
Take time, live the hours in a lifetime so long
Hear the beat of my heart on a sighed exhale
Catch its strength, rise on the wind like a sail

What lies beneath when at last all is spent?

When all my wishes have been heaven sent

No care carelessly worn, no place unlooked

Never was ill failure ever to be brooked

When bough and leaf and wind and tide

Create amazing lives for our souls to hide

Despite all the tidings of doom and gloom

In my heart for you, there was always room

Till day is at last night and all is done

When east winds sweep over the rising sun

I take my heart and for all its worth

Give it back to you again mother Earth

 

What lies above when all is gone to the new?

When darkness fades and finally I come to you
Renewed and free to begin again reborn
No more to the cord, no more care is worn
We awaken as the world masses in green
Only on earth such potent power is seen
Nature to be revered as a solemn, caring art.
We love so much, so now finish what we start
While snowflakes fall lie gazing up at the stars
Our bodies on earth but souls flying around Mars
Look beyond all that you were bound for years
Smile to forgive and shed always joyful tears

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mummy?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet aren't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

What lies beneath when at last all is spent?
When all my wishes have been heaven sent
No care carelessly worn, no place unlooked
Never was ill failure ever to be brooked
When bough and leaf and wind and tide
Create amazing lives for our souls to hide
Despite all the tidings of doom and gloom
In my heart for you, there was always room
Till day is at last night and all is done
When east winds sweep over the rising sun
I take my heart and for all its worth
Give it back to you again mother Earth

How fast the cycles move between winter and summer. It is so fast that we often fail to mark the changes till one day we suddenly realise the trees are high and green and we have awoken one year older into another spring. Soft mists rise like ghosts from the rain drenched fields emphasised by the light of a waxing moon and who but us can tread so soft that the world cannot hear. Great deeds now lay a path and our feet follow. So we shall walk a while in this silvered gloom till no more can we see and no more can we hear and then watch as the world stills to a whisper to reveal the truth. That great lady; you are a pivotal force within this story; even though you do not yet see it. Yet I say to you, before the year passes you will remember who you are and find strength. Do not ask how; I may not say! Though the Istari have the gift of foresight it is a dangerous gift beset with hazards and only the wisest can calculate all the outcomes. It may also be tampered with and bent to another’s will to show untruths that would aid our despair. I will not share this burden with you for it is mine. Ever he seeks to learn our intent but for now the door is closed to him. In that knowledge he prepares for war yet ever he seeks to prise open my thoughts and it wearies me. He means to attack from both within and without. It will come soon lady...sooner than we should wish, but the quest has unnerved him and he seeks now to end it in its infancy.

Well you gonna move or what.... 

Mike thought it best to enter into the spirit of St Georges Day 

Mike took this picture of them both - quite good really

Soft mists rise like ghosts from the rain drenched fields emphasised by the light of a waxing moon and who but us can tread so soft that the world cannot hear. We shall walk a while in this silvered gloom till no more can we see and no more can we hear and then watch as the world stills to a whisper to reveal the truth.

We have had a good 2 weeks overall but of course we now have some rain currently – but it was most welcome after the dry spell. Still garden is looking great currently. How fast the cycles move between winter and summer. It is so fast that we often fail to mark the changes till one day we suddenly realise the trees are high and green and we have awoken one year older into another spring.

Saturday 30th April 2011

It’s going to be a warm, sunny day but there is a terrific wind blowing at the moment. I shall not be deterred and have made some food to scoff later. As E David would say “A good rule of life is to never throw away the fat after frying bacon.” It’s fantastic for cooking chicken or potatoes with garlic and a sprig of rosemary or thyme.
Robbie has chased just about every squirrel he saw while out on his walk today and scattered the huge drifts of leaves the wind has blown together. I must go later and collect some as they a perfectly dry and crisp and they make great mulch once wet again.

Friday 29th April 2011

I think there is a wedding somewhere today – watched it on TV with Nick this morning. They seem a genuine, couple very much in love and what a great big show for the world to watch.



Robbie absconded with 2 female joggers when we had a walk around the lake – managed to get about half a mile away before he realised he was on his own and stopped. I haven’t run so fast and so far for some time. I think my heart is still ok - must be all the saturated fat.

Thursday 28th April 2011

It’s the most beautiful of day with a flat blue sky broken by the odd white cloud and butterfly to break up the azure canvas. Every tree is green and the lawn is carpeted in a thousand daisies. Spent blossom blows on the breeze like confetti, perhaps a wedding is in the air somewhere! Robbie is perfectly content doing cartwheels over his baseball and I am reading about food. It’s hard to believe it is not yet May. Perhaps we’ll have a lovely, long and warm summer – we’ll see.

27th April 2011

The main topic of conversation seems to be the Royal wedding. Mike’s off to London tomorrow to reserve his place on the Mall. He better take an umbrella as the day is forecast to be showery. I can’t really say that I am all that excited and bothered by Wills and Kate’s big day, but hey; it’s a tradition and it does make a change from all the gloom and mayhem currently on offer as news. Other than that it’s a slow news day I guess as the other main story is how much has the economy grown? By about this much...I’m guessing.

The weather has grown much cooler now. I had to wear a coat last night to visit the garden but still the weekend forecast is dry and with some sun. Robbie has developed a talent for capturing bumblebees with his mouth but I fear it will all end in tears soon and he will have learnt a life lesson. I’ve taken a few days off work and have a full intent to do nothing arduous.

Dont mess with these delicate Darwen women featured in the press recently.

Handshake then head butt from Darwen woman
A 37-year-old woman who was offered a hand of friendship took it, pulled the other woman forwards and head butted her.
Darwen woman kicked police officer
Trouble with teenagers forced a woman to call police, but she ended up being arrested herself. Blackburn magistrates heard she became abusive towards the officer and kicked him.

Warning over drinking near East Lancashire reservoirs from the water company United Utilities

WATER bosses have sent out a warning about the dangers of swimming in reservoirs after a ‘potentially fatal incident’ in the Ribble Valley.

United Utilities issued the ‘don’t die for a swim’ message after a man was spotted with a dinghy and a six-pack of beer, with two small children, heading towards the Spade Mill Reservoir, in Longridge.

Sensationalist or what - doesn't say he actually got there and given the wolly reporting here the man was probaly in France. In fact we will all be heading towards it at some point depending on the direction of travel because without distance it means nothing.

23rd April 2011

We’re having an unusually warm Easter. Probably in part due to it being so late this year and partly just good luck. (77F or 25C take your pick.) It has rained a little overnight but not nearly as much as we needed.

The garden is just going into a wall of green in days. It is one of the earliest Springs I can remember. We never normally see Beech trees leafing till well into May. I just hope there is no sting in the tail in the form of a heavy frost. There are birds and blossom everywhere, (see picture of the pigeon in the tree next to the swing.) Robbie is chasing every squirrel he sees but his tree climbing skills are a bit limited.

It all pretty peaceful here but I see they are having a riot in Bristol - over what you ask? Libya, the economic crisis, rising crime, spending cuts, well wrong it’s about of all things, a new Tesco store. You know the slogan 'Every little riot helps'

Truly it’s a funny old, world.

I woke up this morning to the sound of heavy rainfall; then I realised it was my tinnitus. I then heard the rumble of thunder and realised it was my digestion. This was followed by a door creaking in the wind and I realised it was my back. Finally though I heard the voice of an angel and then I realised I was remembering something you had said.

Happy Easter holiday